Grimace.....what the hell are you?

Possibly more confusing than the Alladin vs. China dispute (Which my view is right), is the biological constitution of our dear friend grimace. I know this is a pro'lem that affects us all, and it is time that we all give our feelings and opinions upon the subject. Translation: Somebody PLEEEEEEASE COMMENT!! My blog is so lonely.

Personally this topic has formed deep roots within me, formulated in my years as a small child. Supposably when i was just a wee baby, sitting in my carriage, at the friendly neighborhood mcdonald's, my family and I were approached by the McDonoald's gang. Ronald (AKA IT, AKA Biscotti), the chicken things, the notorious hamburgler, and the most beloved purple thing, grimace (AKA grimsy). I do not remember the situation, but I was said to have started crying when the purple thing handed me a lootbag.

It is true, that perhaps small children can be afraid by stange moving shapes approaching them, even though this shape is fluffy and loveable, like our dear friends Mr. Nilsson and Horatiobacca, on accounts of their massive neckbeards and profuse body hairs, respectively. But if i know me - and I can't say that i do but I know me more than most - I would have been crying out of the pure frustration of the unknown constitution of Grimsy. I have been hounted by this question for my life's entirety.

So I ask you....what is grimace? I do not believe that anyone truly knows, all we can create are hypotheses. Maybe Grimace doesn't even know. Maybe not even god!!! But surely Moses. But I believe I have a reasonable hypothesis, that most of you have prolly already heard.

But first, I will give you the most widely accepted theory on grimace. The study by Albérto et al. (1976, pick up sticks) believed grimace to be some randomly-shaped character, thought up by the evil corporation to scare kids, and steal their milkshakes. Originally grimace was meant to be ronald's arch nemesis, and he was presented as a fierce, cuddly, cold-hearted, 6-armed, milkshake drinking, milkshake stealing, fluffy, cute, purple monster whose sole purpose was to instill fear into little childrens' hearts. I shit you not. Unfortunately for micky d's, fear could not envelop a child's heart, as well as a big mac could. Grimace was just too cute. Hence, this proves that I didn't cry because i was scared, but i was merely saddened by his unknown origin.

Children began following in grimace's footsteps. Thus explains the increase in homosexuality, and more importantly, the wearing of the purple jackets of queen's engineering students. Also milkshake theft, increased 146% after the release of the grimace character. Most shockingly (though no direct correlation was established....hehe, i'm in stats) obesity began to rapidly incline, around the same time of grimace's spontaneous debut into our hearts. It is believed that Mcd's wishes to create an army of fat, gay, theives to use in their diabolical plots. Or perhaps, grimace is a symbol, for what mcd's wishes to "give" to the world (ie. heart disease).

However, grimace's arms were shortly cut off, and then two robotic arms were attached. Why not just leave two arms? Because robotic arms, on average, work 3 times as fast as regular arms. Grimsy joined ronald's side, and they became best-friends. Children still adore grimsy. He no longer steals milkshakes, he just takes them when the manager isn't looking.

The preceeding was the most accepted view, for it is the one with the most verifiable evidence. Though it does not explain what he really is. Is he a creature? A food come to life? What kind of monster is he? Perhaps we shall never know.... Though other more creative, and possibly more true theories have been presented in various scientific journals. To name a few:

- he got his name from ronald's reaction after he stepped on his foot. Grimace was a real man, but ronald and his posse, kicked his ass after he violated ronalds foot, and made him all bruised. Grimace as a child was diagnosed a hemopheliac, and so his bruises never healed, and thus explains the permanent purple color. But because of his iron deficiency (betathalessemia), grimace is somehow, able to maintain the bleeding, and still function properly, without exploding. The mechanism behind this, is still being investigated.

- grimace is a fast food addict, because ronald and the gang got him hooked. He was naturally purple.

- Grimace is tinky winky's deformed brother.

- He's what a big mac does to your stomach. In 1987, the US gov't asked mcd's to warn ppl of the dangers of fast food. They decided to do it implicitly.

- he's an octopus. That walks. Drinks shakes. Hangs with clowns.

- a cloned beetroot

- he's a milkshake. who steals milkshakes.


My theory....

Since, most of mcd's mascots are representative of food (god knows what ronald and hamburgler are on the menu), i believe grimace to represent a food stuff as well. The chicken thing, is clearly chicken things. The nuggets....nuggets. Fry guys....fries, some green, some purple. Grimace.....a rotten hashbrown. Think about it!!! He is the same shape. Hashbrowns become purple over time. They hang out with the wrong crowd (ie. psychotic child-molesting clowns). Its so simpo!! He can't be a milkshake, cause clearly he is solidly built. He must therefore be a hashbrown. There is no doubt in my mind that he is.

But what do you think?

~ Prince Ali