Beauty and the beast

Tale as old as time........song as old as rhyme........

What more can be said about one of the most beloved love stories of our time? Small town girl, falls in love with big ass beast, who inside, is as beautiful as a mist on a rainbowy day (NOTE: I like mists and rainbows).......... Beautiful as me one would say, cept i'm just as beautiful on the outside...

But don't you see a problem? Not with me (cause clearly i have none, cause i am perfect) but with beast. I mean why do we call him beast? He must have a name, right? Like, how could his name possibly be beast?

At the beginning of the movie, he was a prince, like myself. Then he didn't take this stupid flower, and then he was turned into a beast. What was his name before? It couldn't have been Prince Beast III, cause that's just absurd! So what's the word? Hey look, a bird................sorry *shameface emoticon*.

Though it is possible that a man change his name so that he may be recognized publicly as one name. Like Ronaldo. But ronaldo's real name is ronaldo, and he just cuts off the middle and last names. Many up and coming stars however are name ronaldo, but must change their names to something else, like ronaldinho. I'm serious, for those who know who that is, his real name is ronaldo. So if we assume beast had a real name before, then what was it? Franco? Ronaldo? Nigel?.....Snowball?

But at the end of all things his name doesn't really matter to us, for he is known only as "THE BEAST". But to belle......... what the hell does belle call beast? See his name doesn't affect us outsiders, but it affects belle. Belle is now his wife! Belle deserves to know his real name!

"Beast honey, i'm just going to go put on something more comfortable"; that just sounds weird. In everyday situations he is referred to as the beast. When he has kids, do they refer to him as daddy beast? When the mailman comes, is he like "Hullo Mr. Beast, I got a subpoena for you, for that time you sexually harrassed Mrs. Potts"? When he starts his medical practice, do you think ppl want to come to Dr. Beast's clinic? I think not. So he must have a name, and we must find it out, or give him one. That's where commenters come in.....:)
But worse still what is Belle's last name?....... is she belle beast? Poor girl. She should be with someone like me..........Belle Fabulous He, PhD......think about hun.......

You ask.....I answer

Nigel: how do you make the ultimate pizza?

Answer: Have you ever read Turtle's Pizza Party? Cause at the end, splinter gives us his secret recipe on how he makes pizzas for his boys. I suggest you go to my house, and try to find the book for more complete instructions. Then send the book to me, cause i love it so. But if you would like, i will summarize it for you:

Splinter's Most EXCELLENTEST Pizza

- english muffin

- pizza sauce

- cheese

- toppings

spread sauce over muffin, top with toppings (ham, jam, cheese, peas, things of this nature...), and cover with cheese. Put in oven at 400 degrees for ten minutes. HAVE A GROWN UP HELP YOU WITH CUTTING AND THE OVEN!!! I can't stress that enough.

Adam: Can Nigel poo in a toilet?

Answer: There is no evidence that he even poos at all. For you see nigel only drinks nestea, therefore it is unneccessary for him to even attempt to poo. Nestea produces high propulsion peeing attacks, which is apparently all one needs to maintain homeostasis. Has nigel pooed? No one knows. Perhaps one day the hidden chemicals built up in his body from over nesteation will one day form a large enough particle to be considered plop-worthy. But until that day, we shall never know if nigel can poo in a toilet. I'm betting he can, since sitting is quite an easy thing to do.....but you know adam.....poor guy......

Jordan: which cheese is the best cheese?

Answer: I just buy marble.

Adam: who did the spoon run away with?

Answer: your money........no wait, that was the korean. OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Thank you all, but those were not grimace calibre questions. I cannot write essays on whether or not nigel can poo (actually i prolly could), there's something missing in your questions, they don't have that umph. Keep trying, perhaps one day you will find the rainbow, that will lead you to the pot of gold that is my knowledge.

Good day.

~ Maj

RE: Sidebar Links

I have just added Links on the side, for my featured posts: P dot in the T dot, and now the brand spankin new, "Answers to Questions With No Answers". The latter will be about certain questions that have always troubled me, or suggested troubling questions (which means that you can ask me your questions), and I attempt to answer them, critically. It currently contains the award-winning works "Aladdin, Chinese?", and "Grimace - what the hell are you?". I have many questions on my mind, and they will be answered in the near geological future. But remember these questions, have no relevance to real life, and if one were to ask me to answer one for them, it must be of the calibre of the previous two mentioned topics. I look forward, to reading your questions.....adam and nigel.....my only friends......poor poor maji.....

Grimace.....what the hell are you?

Possibly more confusing than the Alladin vs. China dispute (Which my view is right), is the biological constitution of our dear friend grimace. I know this is a pro'lem that affects us all, and it is time that we all give our feelings and opinions upon the subject. Translation: Somebody PLEEEEEEASE COMMENT!! My blog is so lonely.

Personally this topic has formed deep roots within me, formulated in my years as a small child. Supposably when i was just a wee baby, sitting in my carriage, at the friendly neighborhood mcdonald's, my family and I were approached by the McDonoald's gang. Ronald (AKA IT, AKA Biscotti), the chicken things, the notorious hamburgler, and the most beloved purple thing, grimace (AKA grimsy). I do not remember the situation, but I was said to have started crying when the purple thing handed me a lootbag.

It is true, that perhaps small children can be afraid by stange moving shapes approaching them, even though this shape is fluffy and loveable, like our dear friends Mr. Nilsson and Horatiobacca, on accounts of their massive neckbeards and profuse body hairs, respectively. But if i know me - and I can't say that i do but I know me more than most - I would have been crying out of the pure frustration of the unknown constitution of Grimsy. I have been hounted by this question for my life's entirety.

So I ask you....what is grimace? I do not believe that anyone truly knows, all we can create are hypotheses. Maybe Grimace doesn't even know. Maybe not even god!!! But surely Moses. But I believe I have a reasonable hypothesis, that most of you have prolly already heard.

But first, I will give you the most widely accepted theory on grimace. The study by Albérto et al. (1976, pick up sticks) believed grimace to be some randomly-shaped character, thought up by the evil corporation to scare kids, and steal their milkshakes. Originally grimace was meant to be ronald's arch nemesis, and he was presented as a fierce, cuddly, cold-hearted, 6-armed, milkshake drinking, milkshake stealing, fluffy, cute, purple monster whose sole purpose was to instill fear into little childrens' hearts. I shit you not. Unfortunately for micky d's, fear could not envelop a child's heart, as well as a big mac could. Grimace was just too cute. Hence, this proves that I didn't cry because i was scared, but i was merely saddened by his unknown origin.

Children began following in grimace's footsteps. Thus explains the increase in homosexuality, and more importantly, the wearing of the purple jackets of queen's engineering students. Also milkshake theft, increased 146% after the release of the grimace character. Most shockingly (though no direct correlation was established....hehe, i'm in stats) obesity began to rapidly incline, around the same time of grimace's spontaneous debut into our hearts. It is believed that Mcd's wishes to create an army of fat, gay, theives to use in their diabolical plots. Or perhaps, grimace is a symbol, for what mcd's wishes to "give" to the world (ie. heart disease).

However, grimace's arms were shortly cut off, and then two robotic arms were attached. Why not just leave two arms? Because robotic arms, on average, work 3 times as fast as regular arms. Grimsy joined ronald's side, and they became best-friends. Children still adore grimsy. He no longer steals milkshakes, he just takes them when the manager isn't looking.

The preceeding was the most accepted view, for it is the one with the most verifiable evidence. Though it does not explain what he really is. Is he a creature? A food come to life? What kind of monster is he? Perhaps we shall never know.... Though other more creative, and possibly more true theories have been presented in various scientific journals. To name a few:

- he got his name from ronald's reaction after he stepped on his foot. Grimace was a real man, but ronald and his posse, kicked his ass after he violated ronalds foot, and made him all bruised. Grimace as a child was diagnosed a hemopheliac, and so his bruises never healed, and thus explains the permanent purple color. But because of his iron deficiency (betathalessemia), grimace is somehow, able to maintain the bleeding, and still function properly, without exploding. The mechanism behind this, is still being investigated.

- grimace is a fast food addict, because ronald and the gang got him hooked. He was naturally purple.

- Grimace is tinky winky's deformed brother.

- He's what a big mac does to your stomach. In 1987, the US gov't asked mcd's to warn ppl of the dangers of fast food. They decided to do it implicitly.

- he's an octopus. That walks. Drinks shakes. Hangs with clowns.

- a cloned beetroot

- he's a milkshake. who steals milkshakes.


My theory....

Since, most of mcd's mascots are representative of food (god knows what ronald and hamburgler are on the menu), i believe grimace to represent a food stuff as well. The chicken thing, is clearly chicken things. The nuggets....nuggets. Fry guys....fries, some green, some purple. Grimace.....a rotten hashbrown. Think about it!!! He is the same shape. Hashbrowns become purple over time. They hang out with the wrong crowd (ie. psychotic child-molesting clowns). Its so simpo!! He can't be a milkshake, cause clearly he is solidly built. He must therefore be a hashbrown. There is no doubt in my mind that he is.

But what do you think?

~ Prince Ali